Soul Calibur: Welcome to Mcdonalds?
by Sangirin
Summary: Ivy Valentine runs the nearby Mcdonalds. Hillarity ensures.
1. Chapter 1: The Insanity Begins

_(Note: I, however in ANY way do not speak fluent Tagalog... or own McDonalds or Burger King in any way...)_

The tan, dark haired girl with the strange pigtails look horrified at the customer.

"...What did you say…?"

The customer, an otaku-pigtailed schoolgirl with strange purple hair looked confused. She eyed the girl at the register. She was a few years older than her, and seemed to carry a meek smile like the "TALIM" nametag she wore.

"I said I wanted a hamburger."

"Hamburger?" Talim said, her voice weighed with shock and sadness. "Don't you want a salad instead?" The customer gave her signature "What the hell" face. "No salad. Ham-bur-ger." Talim cringed at the girl's words and cried, "Hamburger is meat….. Meat is murder… Murder dao….. TALAGA ANG MURDER! HAMBURGER! **HAMBURGER!**" The customer, scared and confused, ran to the Burger King conveniently located next door.

"There goes another one." Ivy said, emerging from her office. Talim whimpered and sobbed as Ivy patted her on the back. "It's ok," she said. "We'll just put you on fry duty." Talim wiped her tears and hugged the modestly dressed Ivy.

Ivy sighed and walked back to her office.

Ivy's office was an airy colored blue, with pictures of her and her late husband together. _To think…_ she thought to herself. She stared at his handsome face. Slightly pale skin. Emerald Green eyes. Silvery hair that seemed to grow longer with every second. Ivy felt a tear sneaking out of her eyes. "For what reason possessed him to-" she mumbled, but caught herself as she saw a cheery looking Chinese girl with flowing brown hair. "My name is Chai Xianghua," the girl said. "And I'm here to apply for a job." Ivy looked at her sternly and said, "For what reason?" Xianghua answered, "Well, I saw a really cute guy mopping at this McDonalds and- I mean, I need money to pay for my... um... cell phone bills." _There is no way I'm hiring this girl..._ Ivy secretly thought.

"I can't believe I just hired her." Ivy said as Xianghua skipped out of the airy blue office.

Xianghua stared at the boy mopping. _He's really cute..._ Xianghua thought. The boy, a young Chinese man with brown hair and gentle eyes stared up at Xianghua. "Hello." He said meekly. "Hi!" Xianghua said cheerily. "I'm Xianghua! You're really cute!" she said, but covered her mouth after she noticed what she blurted out. The boy chuckled and said, "I'm Kilik." Xianghua stared at him before he asked, "Why are you staring at me? Am I on Candid Camera?" Xianghua shook her head and said, "No. But... You're really cute, so bye!" Xianghua ran off while singing.

Kilik shook his head and continued to mop.


	2. Chapter 2: EX?

_(Note: I also do not own HeadOn. And that stuff doesn't work. Chtikus does not exist.)_

Kilik stared up at the girl as she bolted off_. She's really pretty. _Kilik thought to himself. Suddenly, he saw Talim standing behind him, her hair blowing through a strange non-existent wind. Talim said calmly, "You know, you haven't been so lively ever since Seong Mi-na dumped you... So-" Kilik stared at Talim with a plastic smile and said, "Chicken McNugget."

Talim ran off, screaming.

Xianghua took the knife she had to use to cut the lettuce and gripped it tightly. Ivy, standing behind her, nodded. Xianghua, somehow a master with that knife cut the lettuce so precisely and gracefully. Ivy clapped, her face looking shocked and happy, but more shocked. Suddenly, the front doors crashed open, a piercing scream was heard. Ivy ran to the front, and saw Talim, inexplicably wearing a canary suit, unconscious on the floor. A man in azure armor with a bipolar scantily clad girl with green hair stormed it, carrying a large bag filled with paper. "Such a very pretty girl... Isn't she pretty?" the green haired maiden said, stroking Talim's feathered head. The girl then turned to Ivy, hissing, "Where are the other fragments!" Ivy pretended to look as coy as she was in her younger days and handed a slip of paper reading "SOUL EDGE FRAGMENT" to the armored man. "Finally," the man hissed. "I shall soon have ALL the fragments, and Soul Edge would be complete! Darkness, blood and chaos shall spread to the lands!" the man laughed maniacally before uttering the word "souls" and dragged the green haired girl off with him. "Geez..." groaned Ivy, as she walked to her office.

Ivy walked in the next day grouchy. For some inexplicable reason, she had been hearing "HeadOn: Apply directly to the forehead" over and over. Maybe it was her radio. She was snapping and sniping at people so much, Talim fainted from the "evil" while wearing another canary suit. What was worse was that Xianghua got a bucket of ice and dumped it on Ivy. _(A la Coyote Ugly)_

Xianghua had never experienced such horror in cleaning toilets.

Kilik silently mopped as Seong Mi-Na stepped in, holding hands with a man with strange hair. Seong Mi-Na, stepped up to Kilik and said, "Hello, **EX-**boyfriend." Kilik waved, as Seong Mi-Na made a sour face and said, "You know, Maxi and I are **engaged.**" Kilik mopped and pretended he didn't care, but felt his patience slowly slip as Seong Mi-Na flashed her expensive looking ring. "Have fun living the single life!" she chimed, skipping out the door. Maxi made a face at his joyous girlfriend's escapade and ran out the door, leaving Kilik sad, heartbroken, and with a fallen bucket with dirty water slowly inching across the floor.

"KILIK! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" screeched the sleep deprived Ivy. Ivy sucked in her cheeks and walked back to her office. Kilik stood up, mopped up the mess, and shook the unconscious Talim.

"Talim... Talim!" Kilik said, still shaking Talim.

Talim opened her eyes and looked at Kilik. "Ah... Kuya Ace... Do you have my lansones...?" Kilik sighed and said, "No, Talim, they sold out at the market. NO, Talim, It's me, Kilik. I need your advice..." Talim stood up and narrowed her eyes and said, "Is this about Seong Mi-Na again? You know she's only trying to make you jealous..." Kilik sighed and said, "Chtikus me, at 5." Talim nodded.

Kilik ran to his apartment faster than a cheetah being chased by lightning. Kilik signed into Chtikus, and waited as Talim signed in and messaged her.

_**KiLiKmAsTaR has joined the chat.**_

**GuidedByWind:** Kilik!

**KiLiKmAsTaR: **WhAt Iz TaLiM?

**GuidedByWind: **Don't talk like that anymore.

**KiLiKmAsTaR: **ok, fine. cant a guy have any fun anymore?

**KiLiKmAsTaR: **so...

**KiLiKmAsTaR: **advice?

**GuidedByWind: **My buddy Siegfried might help. He's a natural.

**KiLiKmAsTaR: **So...

_**Sigstarrunner has joined the chat.**_

**Sigstarrunner: **What is up, my doge?

**GuidedByWind: **Siggy!

**Sigstarrunner:** Stop calling me that.

**GuidedByWind:** So, Kilik needs some love advice.

**Sigstarrunner:** Is this about Seong Mi-Na again?

**KiLiKmAsTaR:** no... it is not. it's about xianghua. i think i like her.

**Sigstarrunner:** ...Why was I expecting that?

**KiLiKmAsTaR:** you know her?

**Sigstarrunner:** Know her? I DATED her.

**KiLiKmAsTaR:** ...

**GuidedByWind: **Kilik?

**KiLiKmAsTaR:** ...

_**KiLiKmAsTaR has left the chat.**_

**GuidedByWind:** Thanks a bunch, Sig-o-frito. :-(

Ivy once again walked in angry and sleep deprived. Besides the fact that someone was playing the HeadOn commercials, someone was playing Tarzan and Barok over and over.

Xianghua remembered not to dump ice on her again, but Ivy made her scrub the restrooms again. Just in case.

Kilik spent the whole time mopping and sulking. Talim, who once fainted because of Ivy's "angry energy", is on the floor, once again in that darn canary suit.

Minutes after Kilik prodded Talim awake, a blonde haired man tried to drag himself into the McDonalds. "They're... they're after me..." he whimpered before being dragged out of the building by two teenage girls and a green skinned girl.

"SIEGFRIED!" Talim screamed.


End file.
